I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
