I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's shark week go big or go home
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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