so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
