isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
