Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize