every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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