The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
