my vag is so smooth its legendary
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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