Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
