I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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