i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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