I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
