just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
