i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
