if i died would you start the facebook group?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
