Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
a search helicopter?!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
