My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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