i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
