I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize