She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize