And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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