My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
