using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
