Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
