i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So many bounce houses so little time
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize