That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
