Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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