I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
