Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
