I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
