Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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