I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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