I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
