remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
