OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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