Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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