We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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