i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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