yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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