i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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