so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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