Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
