You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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