he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
