At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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