Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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