I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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