hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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