Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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