tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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