Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
