I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
