Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
